Do you accept yourself as you are? Or are there aspects that you do not like, that worry or embarrass you? Self-acceptance is a basic pillar for self-love and healthy self-esteem. Let us see why it is so important to accept yourself, what it entails and how to achieve it.
What does self-acceptance mean
Self-acceptance is taking yourself as you are. It is a deep and global affirmation of yourself. Accepting yourself means embracing all your facets, both strengths and weaknesses and limitations in an unconditional way and free of reservations.
In the words of the creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, Albert Ellis: “Self-acceptance means that the person accepts himself/herself fully and unconditionally, whether he or she behaves or does not behave intelligently, correctly or competently, and whether others give or not their approval, respect and love.”
Therapist Russell Grieger defines it this way: “You accept that, as a fallible human being, you are less than perfect. You will often perform well, but you will also err at times. You always and unconditionally accept yourself without judgment”.
Therefore, self-acceptance requires understanding that you are not your actions and qualities. It requires accepting that your actions, mistakes and weaknesses do not define you. Accepting yourself also means taking yourself as you are regardless of your achievements or the approval of others. It means showing self-compassion, whether things are going well or badly.
However, all this does not mean that you resign yourself. It does not mean that you cannot develop yourself, enhancing your strengths, reducing your weaknesses or improving your emotional intelligence and soft and social skills. Self-acceptance means doing it from a healthy and self-compassionate place, instead of starting from a constant dissatisfaction of believing that you are not or do not do enough.
The effects of low self-acceptance
Not accepting yourself or only doing it conditionally, that is, when things are going well, harms your psychological well-being. You may not like your looks, your character, or your personality. Maybe you are very critical of yourself. You might even want to be different. Perhaps you have a hard time accepting your weaknesses or failures. Or you tend to have a negative attitude. All this damages your self-love and your self-esteem.
This is something we learn from a young age. How did your parents show you their love? Did you feel like they loved you more if you behaved well or brought home good grades? How did your siblings, family members, or teachers behave with you? Did you feel constant disapproval and criticism? All this influences the image we develop of ourselves and how critical we are with ourselves. Reflect if you are dragging beliefs and behaviour patterns that harm your psychological and emotional well-being.
Signs of good self-acceptance
In general you feel good in your skin. Accepting yourself means being more compassionate to yourself but also to others. Self-acceptance leads to better self-esteem and living authentically, caring less about the opinion of others and comparing yourself less to them.
Therefore, you will feel lighter, freer and more autonomous. You will also have less fear of failure and you will be more courageous. As well, you will feel more emotionally stable, experiencing more positive emotions. Last but not least, unconditional self-acceptance also leads to more acceptance of others.
How to improve your self-acceptance
Having seen the effects of a lack of self-acceptance and the benefits of accepting ourselves, let us see how you can work on accepting yourself.
1. Forgive yourself
First of all, be compassionate to yourself and forgive yourself. Acknowledge that you cannot change the past. You can no longer correct mistakes made or failures experienced. Understand and accept that you did the best you could then, with the knowledge and tools you had.
So take responsibility for your past mistakes but do not beat yourself up over them. You can only act here and now. You can only change your behaviors, habits and actions in the present moment so as to try not to repeat the same mistakes. So remind yourself that you did the best you knew and could, and forgive yourself.
2. Recognise and accept your emotions
Our mind tries to protect our integrity and protect us from possible physical and psychological harm. This is why we tend to avoid negative emotions. However, ignoring them does not help us resolve the underlying problem or concern.
When you explore parts of yourself that you find difficult to accept, you will experience emotions that you do not like. But try not to ignore them but to pay attention to them. They are good signs that you have touched a wound to heal. Try to observe what you feel as if you were a spectator, with objectivity, curiosity and some detachment. It may help you to imagine that you are a good friend. How would you treat and listen to them? What can you learn from those emotions and feelings?
Also, do not underestimate the positive emotions you may experience. Do not dismiss but appreciate them. Appreciate yourself for all that you have learned throughout your life and the adversities that you have managed to overcome. Accept that along with the bad things that have happened to you, good things will have occurred as well, and be thankful for them.
3. Your actions do not define you
To accept yourself, it is important to recognise that your actions, achievements and failures do not define you as a person. Not being good at a certain thing does not make you useless. Taking a bad action does not make you a bad person. You are just a person who has acted badly.
We are much more than our actions, emotions, our work and the different roles (mother, father, son, partner …) that we have in our life.
4. You do not need to be perfect
What is more, no one is perfect or has to try to be. Aiming for perfection puts us under unhealthy pressure. It sets unattainable standards for ourselves. We all have our weaknesses and there is nothing wrong with it. It is one thing to aim for excellence or mastery in a certain field. Another thing is to try to be perfect.
What makes us special are precisely the differences between people: character, personality traits, abilities, strengths and weaknesses, experiences, worldview and physical traits. Trying to fit everything into a mold of what is supposed to be perfect is unrealistic.
On second thought, wouldn’t it also be boring? For perfection to be achievable it would have to be a measurable standard. To conform to that standard we would all have to be the same. Do you not think that this would take away all the spark?
5. Stop seeking approval
Another key step in the self-acceptance process is realising the extent to which you tend to seek approval from others. How much do you care about what others think of you? To what extent are you concerned about pleasing others?
Doing things well only to be liked by others and to please them; acting trying not to upset anyone; or making sure that your appearance, your behavior or your actions are liked by others. All of this is exhausting. Wanting everyone to like you is the best way to lose yourself along the way and become unhappy.
To whom you should justify your actions is to yourself. Do you like how you act and behave? Are you being authentic and acting according to your values and priorities?
6. Stop comparing yourself
In relation to the previous point, constantly comparing yourself with others is also exhausting and hurts your self-esteem and self-confidence. By doing this, you put the focus of attention in the wrong place. Instead of focussing on yourself, your experiences and virtues, you care more about the qualities that you think others have.
However, the only valid comparison is between who you were, who you are, and who you aspire to be.
7. Be mindful
To learn to accept yourself, you need to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. That way, you can become aware of your internal dialogue. Negative and self-critical thoughts often occur automatically in our subconscious. Therefore, if we do not pay attention, we may not even realise when we disqualify and censor ourselves.
Try to be mindful and pay full attention to what is going on in your head. Which thoughts are uncomfortable for you? Are there aspects of your life that worry you, make you anxious, or embarrass you? What thoughts do you usually avoid?
This is not an easy exercise because we usually try to avoid those thoughts for a reason. But they can shed a lot of light on things that weigh you down and that you have a hard time accepting. It can help to take time each day to write down those thoughts and emotions. But remember to do it with self-compassion and without judging yourself. It is about becoming more aware of behaviour and thought patterns that block, limit, harm and worry you.
8. Practice gratitude
Feeling grateful increases positive thoughts and emotions. Practicing gratitude opens your eyes to all the good in yourself, in your life, and in what happens to you. The more grateful you feel, the less need you will feel to seek comparison with others or approval from others.
9. Self-acceptance and personal development are not mutually exclusive
Learning to accept yourself unconditionally does not mean that you have to like all your weaknesses. It does not mean that you should resign yourself and get stuck in who you are and how you behave.
But it is not the same to constantly try to improve yourself whilst not accepting yourself, than to learn from your mistakes and develop yourself to better face what life has in store for you. The crux of the matter is accepting yourself as you are, including what you might like the least. Being aware of your weaknesses and accepting them is the first step in deciding if you want to work on any of them.
Therefore, self-acceptance does not mean that you cannot develop your social, soft and technical skills as well as your knowledge in an effort to better face life’s challenges, improve your relationships or achieve the goals you set for yourself.
Do you accept yourself?
What do you think is your level of self-acceptance? Are there aspects of yourself that you find difficult to accept? Do you think that working on your self-acceptance could take a certain weight off your shoulders?
