[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]How do you take criticism? Bad? Well, then there is already two of us. We usually do not like criticism. However, that does mean that we do not criticise others. Still, for me there is a subtle difference between criticising and making a criticism or critical remark. Let us look into that, into dealing with criticism and making good criticism.
The difference between criticising and offering a criticism
Criticising to me means complaining about something we think others do wrong according to our standards. This often means criticising without the other person present, that is sharing our difference of opinion on a behaviour or way of working to anybody but the person affected.
Making a criticism on the other hand is more timely and specific. It means drawing a person’s attention to something we think he/she could improve. So, it is a more constructive action.
To give an example, criticising would be complaining in a restaurant about the meat not being cooked to the fellow diners. Making a criticism, and a constructive one at that, would be telling the waiter that we do not like the meat that way and if they could cook it a bit more.
Do you #criticise or make #constructivecriticism? What the subtle difference is. How to make and deal with #criticism Click To Tweet
How to deal with criticism
Accept your emotions and remember that the critical remark does not define you
When we are at the receiving end of criticism the first thing will be to accept that it can upset us. We may feel that our ego is attacked and experience unease, consternation, annoyance or even anger.
However, think that the person is pointing out a behaviour, a way of doing something, a way of thinking that he/she consider inappropriate or incorrect. That means the criticism does not define you or detract from your person in general.
How to react to criticism
Therefore, the next step will be to decide how you react to the criticism. Depending on how we receive the critical remark we might get defensive. According to our personality we can feel sad and shut down or we might strike back. In both case we are reacting emotionally to the attack to our ego without considering if the criticism is indicating a possible point for improvement.
However, we can also take the criticism assertively. This requires paying attention not only to how we feel when receiving the criticism but listening closely to the person offering it. Listening attentively and with an open mind does not mean you need to agree with everything said nor accept it as the only truth. But consider if they could be showing you something you were unaware of.
When being criticised, do not get defensive. Assess the #intention and the person making the critical remark. Then decide what to do about it. How to deal with #criticism Click To Tweet
What intention does the criticism have?
Ask yourself what intention the person has who offers a criticism. Does the person want to upset you due to envy, something you have achieved or because he/she has a bad day and has turned you into the scapegoat to pay for it?
Or the person may have offered the criticism in an effort to help you improve some aspect of your behaviour or work. Maybe the person shows you a different point of view you had not considered.
Therefore, before getting defensive, try to listen closely and figure out the undercurrent of the criticism. This will help you decide how to deal with it.
Who is offering the criticism?
In addition to the intention, it is important to assess who is making the criticism. Is it a person who does not or hardly know you? Do you treat regularly with that person? Is it a person whose opinion you value? Does this person know what he/she is talking about? Does this person take into account your personal history or only base the criticism on his/her own knowledge and experience?
Thinking about the person who criticises you will help you assess the level of importance and validity the criticism can have for you.
“I do not take constructive criticism from people who have never constructed anything.” #EricThomas, motivational speaker & author. How to deal with #criticism Click To Tweet
Value the honesty and courage
I suggest you also value the honesty the person, who has made a critical remark, has shown you. It is a sign of courage and trust that somebody dares to indicate a point for improvement instead of letting you live in ignorance.
If we think about interpersonal relations, maybe some attitude or behaviour is obstructing them without you being aware. In case of work there might be some aspect that is harming your good professional image. Criticising behind someone’s back and leaving a person unaware or that they put their foot in is easy, but telling to the face requires some courage. Therefore, though it causes you discomfort, try to think that the intention might be good.
“Don't trust a mirror that only tells you how wonderful you look.” #MatshonaDhliwayo, philosopher, entrepreneur & author. Value the #honesty of #criticism Click To Tweet
Do you want to take action regarding the criticism?
Depending on the person making the criticism and his/her intention, it is time to decide what to do about it. If the intention is just upsetting you or the person talks without knowing, you rather turn a deaf ear and do not let it affect your ego and self-esteem. Try not to think the matter over and just get on with life.
If, on the contrary, you believe that the person has some reason and the criticism has some truth, then keep an open mind. Consider if you can do something to improve. Can you improve some behaviour? Or your attitude? Maybe you can work on your emotional intelligence or your knowledge on some matter? Can you carry out that task criticised in a better way? Can you work more effectively and productively? Are there habits you could modify to mature as a person? Will the effort be worth it? The questions to pose and the resulting points for improvement depend on what the criticism is about.
Be it a valid criticism for you or not, consider if you can take away some learning. If not, accept that it can be the product of incomprehension of your situation or your aspirations. If you do not agree with the criticism, do not feel obliged to do something about it.
How to make a good critical remark
Criticising is easy but receiving criticism does not go down as well. Therefore, before making a criticism, consider if it will really help the other person in their relation with you or others or in his/her job. Is there a basis for what you want to say? Do you have arguments to defend it?
Consider that nobody owns the universal truth. We experience reality through the prism of your perception and experiences. So, when making a critical remark take into account the other person’s reality and be careful how you transmit your message. Before making constructive criticism it might even be a good idea to ask the other person why he/she does what he/she does and how he/she does or why he/she behaves in a certain way.
Be careful not to attack the person but point out the specific aspect you want them to improve. As well, watch your attitude and tone of voice. If you make the criticism frustrated or annoyed, the other person will get defensive.
Before making a #criticism, ask yourself if it will really help the other person. How to offer #constructivecriticism Click To Tweet
More compliments and less criticism
Our brain is programmed to alert us to dangers and difficulties. That is why we tend to pay more attention to things that do not work or that we do not like. As well, we have our expectations on how things should be and how others should behave. For that reason it is easy to fall into criticism and overlook the good; ignore what others do well and take it for granted when they behave as we like.
However, the best way to smooth things over with a person is to make a compliment: congratulate for a job well done, an achievement, compliment some trait we like (their imagination, creativity, problem-solving skills, sense of humour…). Next time you want to make a critical remark why not accompany it with a compliment?
“You have to lift a person up before you can really put them in their place.” #CrissJami, TheKillosopher. How to make good #criticism Click To Tweet
Recap
It is easier to make criticism than to accept it. Therefore, before criticising, consider if it is really constructive and watch how you transmit it.
In case of receiving criticism, accept the negative emotions that may surface and think about the intention and the person making the critical remark. Then decide if you want to review and improve the aspect indicated. Maybe the point of view enriches yourself and helps you grow as a person. Even if you do not agree with the criticism it may help you motivate yourself even more to continue your way and towards your aspirations and goals.
So, how do you deal with criticism? Do you tend to criticise others?
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