The 9 keys to assertive communication

Assertive communication is key to expressing what we think and feel as well as letting others do it, too. It means relating in a respectful way, observing our rights and responsibilities and those of others.

How we communicate can greatly influence our well-being and self-esteem. Every time we do not dare to share our opinions and wishes, we may feel resignation, guilt and even anger towards ourselves. Let us see what usually prevents us from communicating assertively and which are the keys to assertive communication.

Reasons not to be assertive

Not communicating assertively can have several reasons.

If we tend to submissive communication it may be due to a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Maybe we are afraid of what others will think of us. We believe that our opinion does not matter or that the opinions of others are more valid.

It is possible that we are afraid to hurt others or that they will no longer love us if we express what we feel and think. Perhaps we consider the wishes of others to be more important. We may have the belief that it is better to avoid conflict and not complain. Or that you always have to help others if they have a problem.

If we oscillate more towards aggressive communication, it may be due to a lack of empathy and social skills. Maybe we think we are better than others. We feel the need to impose our criteria. Aggressive communication can also be a façade to hide insecurities and weaknesses. A self-defense mechanism so that others do not discover our weaknesses or our fears.

What is assertive communication?

If we want to develop healthy personal relationships, assertive communication is key. Communicating assertively means expressing our feelings and opinions with respect, at the right time. Assertiveness is the middle ground between an aggressive attitude and a passive or submissive attitude.

Keys to assertive communication

Healthy relationships require expressing our feelings and opinions and letting others do so, observing rules of behaviour.

1. Be honest

Concealing what we feel hurts us in the long run. Assertively communicating requires admitting what we feel, knowing what we think and transmitting it to those who should know.

2. Show respect

However, assertive communication does not mean venting everything that passes through our mind without a filter. It is not about being sincere at the expense of the feelings of others with the excuse of: “I always say what I think.”

Communicating assertively means respecting the feelings of others. That means not unnecessarily offending, as well as accepting that there are other points of view. Just as we want our feelings and opinions to be respected, let us do the same with others.

3. Actively listen

Practicing assertive communication means not only expressing our opinions but also letting others do so. Pay full attention to what the other wants to express. Active listening is another way to show respect for the feelings and opinions of others.

4. Focus on the specific behaviour or situation

When you want to express your dissatisfaction or disagreement, focus on the specific moment or the specific behaviour that did not seem correct to you. It is easy to fall into the trap of using comments like “you are a mess”, “you are rude” and so on. However, the conversation will be more productive if you do not attack the person and their characteristics. Rather express how the behaviour or situation, that has bothered you, has made you feel.

5. The meaning of communication is the answer

We all have our model of the world. In other words, we have beliefs and experiences that shape what we perceive of the world. That is why the other may not understand exactly in the same way what you want to communicate. Hence, misunderstandings arise in conversations.

Therefore, when you want to convey something, make sure to ask the other to confirm what they have understood. Their answer serves as a check on whether you have really managed to express what you wanted.

6. Employ emotional intelligence

Assertive communication requires knowing what we feel and knowing how to manage our emotions. Only in this way can we express what we feel and do it in a balanced way. In other words, that way we avoid an aggressive reaction due to being angry or frustrated. Or we avoid directly not communicating out of fear.

Assertive communication also requires self-confidence to dare to express ourselves. Moreover, it takes empathy to choose the right time to communicate certain things and the right way to do it.

7. Choose the right moment

Assertively communicating also means choosing the right moment to convey our feelings and opinions. It requires using emotional intelligence to detect how the moods are.

Let us say the behaviour of a co-worker has bothered you a lot. Letting them know on the spur while you are angry is not the right time. Doing it in front of witnesses may not be the best idea either. It is advisable to calm down first and then tell them that you would like to have a private conversation with them.

8. Know your assertive rights and responsibilities

To communicate assertively we ought to know not only our rights but also our responsibilities. This means observing basic rules of good manners, respect and tolerance.

Needs and wants

You have the right to ask for what you need and want. Unless you must claim something that corresponds to you by agreement or by law but is being denied, you should not make demands. Accept that others can oppose your requests. In the same way, you have the responsibility to let others express their wishes and needs. That does not mean that you have to agree to everything or accept all their requests.

You also have the right not to have to guess the desires and needs of others, and that they feel offended because you cannot read their minds. They have the assertive right to express what they need and want.

Opinions and feelings

You have the right to have your opinions and feelings as well as to express them. But you have the responsibility to do it in a respectful way, without verbally attacking or humiliating others.

Others have the right to disagree, but not to tell you what you should think or feel. They also have no right to disrespect you.

Dignity

You have the right to be treated with dignity and respect. Also, you have a responsibility to treat others respectfully.

You have the right to be heard and be taken seriously. This means that you can express your opinions, needs and concerns without being disqualified or treated with hostility.

Of course, you also have the responsibility to listen and take others seriously without treating them in a disqualifying or hostile way.

Well-being

You have the right to decide what is best for you. In other words, you have the freedom to decide in your life without interference or emotional blackmail.

On the other hand, you should allow others to decide what is best for them as well.

Even applying the principle of respect, it could be that your well-being is at some point in conflict with the legitimate well-being of others. If this is the case, you should see if it is possible to reach an agreement that respects the rights of both parties or that compensates the affected party.

Saying ‘No’

You have the right to say ‘no’ when you do not want or cannot attend to a demand. Although we would like to help others, it is not always possible. For different reasons, you may not feel comfortable with it or it may not fit into your plans, for example.

You should not feel bad if you say ‘no’ nor let yourself be blackmailed. As I said in the previous section, you have the right to decide what is best for you.

This carries with it the responsibility of also allowing others to tell you ‘no’.

Making mistakes

You have the right to make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. So accept your vulnerabilities and limitations. Do not feel ashamed or guilty about them. Guilt or shame are only justified when our actions have violated the welfare or rights of others. But they are not when aspiring to the unattainable ideal of perfection.

Likewise, you should accept the weaknesses and limitations of others without offending or ridiculing them.

Also, accept the consequences of the decisions and the possible mistakes you make. You have a responsibility to accept that we all make mistakes. What we should do is try to learn from them. If our mistakes have hurt others we should seek some form of compensation for them.

Change of mind

We have the right to change your mind. We are continuously acquiring knowledge and experiences. That is why our point of view and our priorities may change. That means we can change our mind about something.

Physical and mental integrity

Finally, we all have the right to protect ourselves. We must not accept verbal attacks, physical or psychological abuse. Whether it is a verbal offense resulting from anger, workplace harassment or bullying at school, or systematic abuse, you have the right to defend yourself.

If someone harms you, even if not intentionally, you have the right to take steps to protect yourself.

In the same way, you have the responsibility not to offend or mistreat others nor to compromise their integrity. We must respect basic human rights, trying not to harm others or, if it is to defend ourselves, try to cause as little harm as possible.

9. Assertiveness techniques and training 

Lastly, assertive communication requires learning techniques and practicing them. On the one hand, training our emotional intelligence, that is, managing our emotions, practicing empathy and taking care of our self-esteem and self-confidence are key.

On the other hand, it is essential to train our communication skills. This means learning to express ourselves constructively, handling complicated conversations, arguments, complaints and conflicts.

Do you practice assertive communication?

Once you have seen the keys, do you think you communicate assertively? Is there something that is usually more difficult for you? What point do you think you can improve?

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